Closed for Plumbing Overhaul

Friends:

Grace2Wheel is Away for Awhile

On Oct. 29th I am having two surgical procedures that will keep me from this blog for awhile. Since I haven't been posting this past month, maybe a little explaining is in order.
The surgery is easier to explain: it is a simple matter of nuts and bolts; bladders, intestines, and colons; oh my. The silence is muddier waters. I wish I could list in some sensible fashion why words have trickled through my fingers like the last gush of water through a garden hose. My brain, my days, the universe seems squashy and unformed. I seem to swing between bouts of nerve pain and fatigue mixed with little dashes of satisfaction and joy and doused with pervasive depression. Kind of like finding one last peanut in the bottom of the Cracker Jacks box and then watching it roll away between the stadium seats. I am trying so hard to find this life I have to be one worth living for.
This surgery is one of these mishmashes. At the end I will have tools to manage my malfunctioning bladder and colon. I will be able to go into water again for the first time in over two years. At the same time it is four hours of abdominal surgery, at least eight weeks of recovery and countless amounts of pain and hassle heaped upon what is already too much pain and hassle. I am choosing to believe that it will be worth it.
I am doing well the things I do well. Like getting organized. Like tying my fear and anxiety up with a pretty bow and hiding the ugliness in the back of the closet. Like hiring doctors who know what they are doing. Like using dark humor to blast through the darkest moments. Like leaning on my hubby who is always there as well as friends and family. A special thank you to my sis-in-law Jen who is coming from Vermont for ten days to lend a hand, what a blessing you are!
Well, dear blog readers. When I talk to you next I should be through this and have a tale to tell.
Until then-All the Best.

New Perspective

The other evening I visited with a friend who has a different but equally voracious chronic illness to appease. He spoke of his longing for his lost career, the 'toys,' he has given up, the dreams that have withered and died. His pain seemed to float on the air like a slightly sour smelling incense. Even though I walk in similar paths and know the gouges and cracks that illness has worn; it was heart breaking to sit and listen. I knew him when, I knew him before. And it quite simply sucks the air from my breast to be so powerless. No bandaid words exist to better him or me, for that matter. And, I realized what an insight he was giving me. 
Confession time. I am so alone and lonely that I ache with it. I have many people who 'do' for me; clean, run errands, pray, bring books. The list is endless. I always feel so guilty for that not being enough. But I miss having friends. I miss being part of a bible-study group. I miss girl's night out. I can feel the difference between obligation and desire. Over the past year I have lost touch with many of my closest friends and it kills me. 
Being in my life is no piece of cake. And, it was sitting and talking with my friend that gave me a glimpse of what being in my intimate circle must feel like. I've never faulted others who've distanced themselves. As I've said before, my life is one heck of a twisted carnival ride. 
I have to find a way to live without my old nemesis's envy, jealousy, and anger. When I hear of others lives and their reasons for not being in mine too often my first visceral response is white hot and ugly. As my own emotions are being worn down to the consistency of drought-stricken corn I simply can't seem to work up empathy. This isn't who I want to be. Somehow I need to slip off the 'old me' and those who peopled that life and learn to find joy in this pared back world that MS has led me kicking and screaming into.
I no longer have the mental or emotional capacity to pursue the ones I've lost closeness with. I dread their upset. I mean no judgement with these words. If anything, maybe reading this can give folks the freedom to live the life that is best for them. Being open to the many hands who reach out to help and accepting the love that accompanies them isn't such a bad way to live with this MonStrous illness.