So, what do I do? Become like the troll under the bridge and be defined by the MonSter rather than the brave creature who dared to cross the chasm no matter the outcome?
This past Saturday,watching the winter grey waves reflecting the unexpected gift of sunlight, spending time with friends, and reading a fantastic book; my answer to the do or not do question was easy. By Sunday night, say around 2am with my arm pain keeping me awake,I was questioning the sanity of doing such an ordinary thing.
My bags from the weekend remain packed. The mountain of laundry is growing. And, my body shows no sign of improving. How can something as simple as a weekend trip make me pay and pay.
It isn't as simple as, OK, I shouldn't go, so don't even ask me. I want, more than I can express, to be a 'normal' almost 45-year old woman who works, gardens, cooks, takes the occasional trip and the countless other things that I should be able to do without weighing whether my body will go into an MS death spiral. See the Amazing Janine as she attempts to live while balancing precariously over the precipice of MS.
All I know for sure is that for today, I will take the best care of my self that I can and savor the memories of this past weekend. And, leave the future to sort itself out.
I am aware, always, of God in my life. With Him daily survival is a soul thing. He is the constant in my lowest times, contented times, and when I am at my best. I read this Psalm and am reminded of this.
A Pilgrim Song
1God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.
2 I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.
3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!