Sunday, July 31, 2011

Under Water

Four months? 16 weeks without posting, where did the time go? It is as if I went wading in a pond, my feet became stuck in the muck and I was slowly drawn under the water. Over time a thick opaque layer of ice built up covering the surface and I can't move or breathe. It isn't necessarily bad in a call the coast guard panic at the disco sort of way. More, just confining and suffocating and compressing and simply put, more than I can push past, through, or over.
Clinically, this is depression topped with a heaping ladle full of chronic pain and a garnish of cognitive loss, life hassles, and other bits and pieces of this and that. Frankly I am tired and warty and grumpy. I am equally tired of putting on a brave face and fighting.
And, in spite of this terrible inertia that grips me, I will. I wasn't sure I had anything left to say on my blog. Then, the other day a friend shared that she had shared my writing with a newly diagnosed friend. If I can let go of the idea that I have to be the poster child for the positive MS patient and share my life, warts and all. Maybe there are words left in me after all. 
I can put on a happy face and act all sweetness and light. But, a little like a roman candle, I quickly fade and collapse. A short visit or a quick trip to the store or a walk around the block can lead to hours or days of increased symptoms. The pain I live with never goes away-it gnaws and eats at me all the time. Somehow, I have to find a way to live. That will be my focus.