Sunday, July 31, 2011

Under Water

Four months? 16 weeks without posting, where did the time go? It is as if I went wading in a pond, my feet became stuck in the muck and I was slowly drawn under the water. Over time a thick opaque layer of ice built up covering the surface and I can't move or breathe. It isn't necessarily bad in a call the coast guard panic at the disco sort of way. More, just confining and suffocating and compressing and simply put, more than I can push past, through, or over.
Clinically, this is depression topped with a heaping ladle full of chronic pain and a garnish of cognitive loss, life hassles, and other bits and pieces of this and that. Frankly I am tired and warty and grumpy. I am equally tired of putting on a brave face and fighting.
And, in spite of this terrible inertia that grips me, I will. I wasn't sure I had anything left to say on my blog. Then, the other day a friend shared that she had shared my writing with a newly diagnosed friend. If I can let go of the idea that I have to be the poster child for the positive MS patient and share my life, warts and all. Maybe there are words left in me after all. 
I can put on a happy face and act all sweetness and light. But, a little like a roman candle, I quickly fade and collapse. A short visit or a quick trip to the store or a walk around the block can lead to hours or days of increased symptoms. The pain I live with never goes away-it gnaws and eats at me all the time. Somehow, I have to find a way to live. That will be my focus.


Nedarb said...

Glad to see you writing again, and I am looking forward to that next post.

Anonymous said...

Peace Be With You Judy,

In your absence blogger made a change which makes it hard for some of us to comment on others' blogs. In my case, I can only do it as anonymous.

Anyway, just the other day, it occurred to me that you had not posted in a while and hoped that wasn't a sign that you were in dire straits. I'm glad you've emerged to let us know what's going on. As for being a poster child for being positive about MS, I am not a fan of that either. This illness has plenty of warts and if we didn't mention them, at least once in a while, we wouldn't be honest.

If you wanted to make it possible for everyone to be able to comment as themselves, you might want to do the following:

Go to your dashboard,hit settings and then comments,comment form placement.Hit pop-up window.Presto change-o we can come and leave you comments.


Anonymous said...

Janine - I was just about to look for your address and send a note and ask how you are doing. So glad to have you resuming your posts - with honesty and integrity to the everyday challenges you are facing. No lipstick needed on this MS animal. It's awful and it deserves to be protrayed that way. I don't want to pretend there isn't a famine and I don't want to pretend that you don't have real pain and real agony as life is pulled away from you piece by piece. But know that even from far away - we do still want to share the journey with you! Hugs to you!

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

You do not have to be a poster child of positive MS. I feel that way sometimes? I am sorry that you feel so bad. I have had more pain lately than before.