Friday, August 12, 2011

Measuring Indignity on an Entirely Different Scale

Just a little earlier this evening I slid off the toilet and landed with a solid thwack on the floor with my bare bum all exposed and my undies around my ankles. Other than a twisted knee and what will probably be a rather sunset-hued bruise across my mid back, my sense of pride and dignity took the hardest hit. MS uses a rather crude peeler to pare back layer after layer of, "I would never," and "I'd rather be dead than be caught doing x,y, or z."
MS has a way of rubbing my nose in my physical failings like a parent who cruelly spanks their child for wetting the bed. It is as if a series of interlocking steps and processes that were carefully interwoven to create ME as I grew from infant to toddler: feeding & dressing myself, going potty, walking; grade school: exploring the world, meeting new people, riding a bike, playing outside; young adulthood: education, independence, travel, camping; adult: career, gardening, cooking, passion for living are collapsing back into themselves at an accelerated rate. Until I feel like my body is on a completely different journey than the one I expected to to take.
I've learned it is unwise to say I will never do or allow MS to do a certain step in my 'un'development. Although, I still cling to a few. I can't imagine having a total stranger come into the house as a bath aide. I don't think I could live if I were blind. Those are two that can crop up in nightmares. I used to be scared of being trapped somewhere out and about in my wheelchair, but in the twisted way MS works that has never happened because I am no longer able to go out and about alone because I become too fatigued and can get lost easily. Ironic, isn't it. What I feared wasn't anywhere as bad as what I ended up having to live with.
I am not particularly brave or noble or tough. I am, however, a survivor. Today required me to put aside my pride and ask my hubbie to drag my naked bum off the bathroom floor. And, knowing this damnable illness as I do, I am not too certain I want to know what it will ask of me tomorrow.


Peace Be With You said...

Beautifully written even though it is about a not so beautiful subject.

Have Myelin? said...

I love this post.

Kind of reminds me of my feelings the morning I woke up and found out I wet the bed after spending the night with my boyfriend.


We live together now but OMG...I was mortified.

Things are not getting better either. They're getting worse. He's now my "Personal Care Attendant".

I never thought that would happen.

You know my daughter died of I use the Serenity Prayer to get through this kind of thing.