Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Everyone is Invited

No Gifts Please—after all—Where to Register?
Should I throw a bon voyage party for my bladder? After all we haven't had the best relationship over the past few years and lately are barely communicating at all. Next Wednesday, with a one-day surgical procedure, my bladder will be closed down and replaced with a suprapubic catheter. Basically, a tube that runs from my bladder out to my abdomen.
Maybe a funeral would be more appropriate. If I let the emotions surface I feel tears start to well. This is the first of my internal organs to require surgical intervention and to ultimately stop being functional. Simply too much loss to inspect too closely. People blithely tell me how much easier my life will be once this is done. Suggesting that it must be nice not to have to make trips to the bathroom. I'd much rather have my bladder back, thank you very much.
I also don't find anything humorous about this. Especially when folks make jokes about the new tubing being similar to how men pee. I am a girl losing her bladder function. And, to put it simply, it sucks.
After the past few weeks with a hospital stay, my permanent loss of more function, piles of medical bills, and now this surgery, our household is about at its functional threshold. A big thank you to my brother-in-law for his willingness to fly down from Alaska later this week and help us through the surgery days. I have this cartoon image in my head of the top of my husband's head popping off and steam pouring out of his ears. One of these days, it is going to happen
I think I will pass on a gala or a funeral. This is one of those invisible losses better suited to contemplation. As with everything else, I will try to move forward and not root around in memories and could have/should haves.


Anonymous said...

Hey. I love you. I grieve with you, too. --Janet

Laura said...

I don't know you, this is the first time I have ever stopped by your blog but this seems of no consequence: my heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry that this is the place you now find yourself much of MS seems to be about goodbye's, letting goes, and somehow surprisingly discovering strength (of the inner variety) we did not know we possessed despite/because of the way things have turned out for us.

wishing you gentleness on this portion of your corporeal journey