Thursday, January 27, 2011

Getting Back to Dancing...

I've been wading my way through what seemed an unsolvable quandary: dare I do or dream a thing when the specter of MS is always waiting in the wings to swoop in and steal the show.
This past weekend my brother came to town to spend a few days with me and others in the family tribe. He lives in Vermont and so his visits are all the more precious, because they are rare. His unending empathy and his ability to 'get' this illness, have helped to move our relationship from siblings to friends. {don't worry, bro. I haven't forgotten about the tacky 'more than a brother, a friend t-shirt that I owe you!}
It was one of those halcyon weekends with beautiful crisp clear weather that seemed to reflect brightly the connections and moments that came together to make it extra special: sharing memories of childhood family backpacking triumphs; tromping around with my 4-yr old great nephew; sharing early-morning coffee with my brother; eating way way too much at the Pilot Butte drive in. Flashes of moments that I will treasure in my memory for the rest of my life.
As we were all busily cleaning the vacation home we shared my brother asked me to take a moment and listen to a song he found particularly moving. The artist is Iris Dement, a web-described cowboy folk-singer whose lyrics are amazing. It was another song, "Shores of Jordan" on the disc that provided my transforming moment.
Music is a powerful tool for helping me to express and clarify my thoughts. From favorite songs and singers to tunes I've never heard before: transformation can come from unexpected places. Iris provided the words that gave me the answer I've been searching for:

Well, I looked up into heaven, I thought I'd solve life's mysteries.
I observed the constellations for a clue to my destiny.
But the rhyme of life confounds me, things will be as things will be.
So I'll just dance the shores of Jordan 'til the angels carry me.
I'm gonna let my feet go dancing to my very favourite songs,
'Cause I know my time for leaving is bound to come before too long.
And there ain't no way of me knowing how tomorrow's gonna be,
So I just dance the shores of Jordan 'til the angels carry me.
So, in a few sentences, tied to the last hours of a special weekend, I knew that I want to live. To relish and enjoy everything that I can. I'd be lying, if I didn't admit that this past weekend's adventures aren't costing me this week. My usually strong right side is dragging, my pain level and exhaustion are off the richter scale. It may take days for me to recover
But, in spite of the price I am paying for letting every line of my dance card be filled inI choose to dance.


Jill said...

Wow, what beautiful lyrics. They say exactly what you've been trying to tell me (us) in your posts!! You keep dancing Janine, you are way to special to us to stop. Love you, Jill

Peace Be With You said...

Always, I choose to dance. Absolutely.