When I was a girl, on particularly hot summer days, I loved to swim below the surface of a lake, almost deep enough for my back to touch the bottom, then flop over and stare up at the crazily distorted view. The light would reach down through the murk and spread out through the grey-green bits and seem to reach for me, pulling me back to the surface. It was so tempting to stay cocooned in the silent murky depths. When my need for oxygen would overcome the pull of this mysterious world I would float slowly to the surface and let the harshness of the sun and bright sky break across my face. Always, the pull of the water called me back underneath.
This past month has felt much like this. I don't know if it is the depression speaking louder than usual or the grinding nerve pain or the ongoing battle to take care of my basic needs or the long hours I am alone every day or the cognitive losses that are piling up or the never-ending battles with doctors or the toll this takes on my hubbie or this or that or the other thing. But it is all too much right now.
I think you have to have had a major tragedy or a chronic illness or poverty to really understand how alone one is with these things. At the end of the day, even with the many people who so graciously give of their time, love, and care, I am facing this monstrous reality alone. It is hard to say this, because I don't want for one second for anyone in my circle to think I don't appreciate them, but cold hard truth is: everyone else has to live their own lives and should. From friends and family with their own struggles, mortgages, kids, joys and sorrow to byzantine bureaucracies that ask more of me than I think I can give.
I haven't written in some time because I feel some social obligation to be appreciative of what I have. I don't want to offend. I do have much to be grateful for. To be blunt, I just don't know how much longer I can keep life and limb together.
And, I really don't have any choice but to figure something out. I do know that in order to keep writing this blog I have to have the freedom to be honest. So, if mucking around in the murky end of the pond isn't your cup of tea, I truly understand, most of the time, I'd rather not be here either.