It was one of those grim slog MS days; to be endured, but most likely survivable. The hubbie transferred me from bed to chair when he arrived home from work and I made my way into the bathroom to empty my catheter bag. I pointed out to him that my caregiver had moved the dog's new plastic bottle-filling water dish outside the door because the bathroom was too hot today and I thought to myself, "be careful not to run into that when you back out." Then, I went in, did my business and backed out and ran over the 'thing' squishing it. And I didn't know what it was for a moment or two. Or why it was there. It was like my memory stepped into a dark room and shut the door. I knew my chair had run over something, but not what it was or why it was under my wheel. I felt the seconds ticking as I tried to put it together. Somewhere between a swear word and my husband responding I figured it out. But for a long black pause, nothing.
Such tremendous fear.
I can handle just about anything that MS has dealt to me. Have thought through just about every scenario that MS is reputed to have in store. But the specter of brain deterioration and memory loss is clearly my achilles heel. I thought these fears were tightly packed away in the back of that closet clear in the back of the storeroom that never gets cleaned out. I've ignored the occasional slips and lately, when bigger ones have happened, it was 'just fatigue' or 'the heat.'
Something about tonight's episode was different. I am not quite ready to pick apart why. The fear was so real I crawled back in bed like a wounded bird. For some reason my body felt numb as I tried to puzzle through what had happened and what I was feeling. The hubster did the guy thing and focused on resurrecting the water dish and clearing up the pool of water. I haven't worked up the energy to ask him if the dish survived. I did the right thing and eventually moved out to the couch. Frankly, I am still feeling too numb, too afraid to care about much of anything.
If you are a prayer, say a few extra for me. Seems like the MS is taking a heavy toll these days.