I play a mental game, could I live with this....., then insert one of the less pleasant symptoms of MS. As I steadily inch downhill, everyday is spent in the unpredictable amusement park of multiple sclerosis. I am like the person staring at the Matterhorn Ride and trembling at the thought of climbing on that little car. This morning, it seems that I am forced into riding along--whether I wanted to or not.
The slow, subtle decline in percentage increments such as the diminishing sensitivity in the bottom of my left foot, is easy to ignore. Much like termites--MS nibbles away, behind the scenes, and I don't see the damage until the floor falls into the basement.
I have laryngeal spasm, that causes me to cough, choke, and drool (Oh, Joy). The severity comes and goes, but mostly I am able to ignore it. Everyone coughs, chokes, and (admit it) drools on occasion. Today is a different story--whenever I talk or swallow an intense fit of coughing follows. My throat feels tight and closed off. And, to add to the indignity, my weak bladder gives out and I pee. Also, my upper torso feels like it is slowly being squeezed in a vise. (apparently, this is known as the MS Hug). I wonder if I could live like this, silence, coughing, choking, peeing and being hugged by Big Foot. Simply put, this sucks!
What to do--should I go to the ER. What if my throat completely closes up? Doctors don't seem capable of helping me. A pulmonologist told me this isn't treatable, but then, nothing with MS is. Alleviated maybe, but not cured. A visit to the ER only results in more medical bills and a reminder that my symptoms are mostly untreatable.
I've read that Botox injections to the affected parts of my throat can help. First, of course would be expensive, icky tests like Barium Swallow, and Swallowing studies--then, if the doctors see anything, the Botox is inserted into my larnyx directly through the front of my neck. And, it isn't considering very effective. Sometimes choice in MS is no choice at all.
A friend said that even when you find yourself standing in the ashes, God is there. I cling to that on these bad days. It is easy to be a Christian on the day you win the lottery, but immeasurably harder when the losses pile up. I have on my sound cancelling headphones and am listening to Praise music. Right now, that is all I can do while I wait and see how bad these symptoms are going to become.