Thursday, November 12, 2009

Announcing New MS Geography Club

I sat down to write this more out of obligation than a burning desire to share any news. Maybe I should found a new MS organization called something like the Flat Earth Association for MS (FEAMS). Have I finally gone over the edge and lost my mind? Probably. What I mean is MS is a great leveler--not in terms of something that puts people at an equal standing, but more a steady, slow-moving bull-dozer that is relentlessly flattening my world.



I've been concerned that my posts are too depressing lately. I am selfishly writing this as a creative outlet for me to explore and explain my world. If I censor my words to appear as one of the 'shiny happy people' I lose my authentic voice. These past few weeks have been grim and so has my outlook. So all I can say is that those of you who read my blog will have to hang in there with me as I work my way through this. 

As the founder and only card carrying member of FEAMS, I embrace the belief that the earth is flat and, yes, I may have gone over the edge. I just don't seem to be able to channel Columbus's energy and drive to sail off into the unknown and "boldly go." I've been fighting this illness, the medical establishment, and loss after loss for 10+-years and I am tired.

I think the next phase for me is to start to accept and embrace where I am now. Take the upcoming holiday season, for example.  I let go of any Martha Stewart-esque fantasy long ago. This year I have finally found the voice to say that I just can't do it any more. The 'it' being the last few things I still clung too: mostly logistical support for my already over-committed hubbie. In our 23 year partnership I have always joyfully played the role of social secretary and general cheerleader. This year, I've asked my family to coordinate all details with him. This is the final letting go of a role I no longer can play. Sigh.....



2 comments:

Bibliotekaren said...

Janine,

Please don't censor your words. I appreciate the honesty and vulnerability. It helps me feel not so alone.

Could I be FEAMS member #2?

Gentle cyberhugs,
Donna

Stuff could always be worse said...

Yes how do I become a member, it sounds like a great ideal. Love your honesty, it is a brutal disease for sure.
kim