Friday, March 26, 2010

Morning as Metaphor

These past few weeks have been a tangled ball of stuff that seems to defy my efforts at untangling. A mix of scattering of highs, lots of lows with occasional trips into the basement and lower to the dungeon. Fatigue and pain seem to be constant, while my emotions jump unreliably all over the weather map. It is hard to know what to write about since I can't seem to settle comfortably into one spot.
I was determined this morning to do one positive, life affirming thing. Something more than brushing my teeth, slapping on deodorant, and, on a better day, changing from jammies to sweats. Something more than endless games of solitaire, scrabble, and lite reading. I am planning to do a surface upgrade to my kitchen so that it is finally, once and for all, accessible from my wheelchair. This involves rearranging, removing the bulky island, and installing a new wheelchair friendly work area. Not that I am planning to do any of the work myself. Those days are long behind me.
Back to this morning. I made rough measurements, which took me all of 10 minutes. Cleverly, I measured one tile on the linoleum, then just counted the tiles. Then I climbed in bed, opened a spreadsheet on the computer, and entered the data. Now, the fun part, I thought. Scoot around on the internet and shop for ideas and prices. Up to that point, I had spent all of 15 minutes, at most. Sitting and staring at my computer I had to face the fact that I was too tired. Too tired to surf the internet. Ridiculous.
The story of my morning illustrates why it is so damnably hard to get through my life. I am barely 45 and apparently my days are reduced to a narrowly defined set of activities. Yes, sometimes I still push past the boundaries of advancing MS. But, when an overnight away from home sends me into a 5-day tailspin and counting linoleum floor tiles taxes my brain into mush, it is difficult to want to, let alone try to do more.
side note:
Friends & family who read my blog. I know my posts lately are tough to read. I am not going to apologize for that. This is a place where I need to be open and honest. Thank you to all for hanging tough with me. One thing faith has taught me is that a fair amount of fortitude is necessary.

1 comment:

Laurel Stiller said...

Amen Sister. YOU deserve to have a safe place to say whatever is the truth. I'm here at a point where I'm taking life one hour at a time - sometimes just 10 minutes at a time - and I'm not fighting the pain and ache and depression that you are. So be honest and know that you are loved - now from as far away as Ohio! (Laurel)