Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Se(n)t out to Sea in a Pea Green Boat

One of the best moments of my recent life was swimming with my son in the ocean waters off Maui. The joy of returning to the ocean and playing in the waves is a salty sweet memory that still flavors my sadder days.

This memory is layered upon a lifetime of others: hours spent in the exhilarating mountain cold of Fish Lake in SE Oregon where my grandparents had a cabin; dive bombing with my cousins into my other grandparents kidney shaped pool; polar bear swimming at Cleowax lake at girl scout camp; the visceral pleasure of trading the weight of a backpack for the cleansing and refreshment of an Oregon Cascade lake. I was always the first one in and the last one out of any body of water that came my way. Scuba diving, snorkeling, floating, lolling. Being in and around water defines me. Then, the grown up pleasures of Belknap hot springs; star gazing from my folks hot tub and countless hours soaking in bathtubs.
With careless casualness, my Urologist informed me earlier today that this is over. No baths, no hottubs, no Maui wave surfing. Apparently he forgot to tell me that with a superpubic catheter water immersion isn't allowed. Is that a problem for you, he asks. As if gimps don't float.
I haven't stopped crying since then. He broke my heart. How could this be true? How can I survive having something so integral to my entire life coming to an end. 
Shouldn't doctors be required to warn you if choice A causes thing B to end.
I can't write any more about this. Maybe once I have processed a little more this won't seem so bleak. But I doubt it. Maybe there is an upside that eludes me right now. But I doubt it.

Down around Biloxi
Pretty girls are swimmin' in the sea
They all look like sisters in the ocean


Karin said...

Oh boy Janine...I'm **so** very sorry!! ((hugs)) Seriously.

Much love.. -K

Anonymous said...

Hey J9. So sorry to hear. I know you love the water. But, I have to say that superpubic caths should decrease your chance of UTI's and the sickness and weakness that comes with them.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry!!I can't imagine having this too taken away. I know you will not have the infections, & that is the purpose. ~ But It is just one more thing ~ the loss of something so important~ & that is sad!!
I keep you in my prayers.
Patty Roland