Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hearts, Moons, Stars, and Clovers

I woke up this morning and realized something was subtly different. Those who've known me any length of time, know that saying I am not a morning person is an understatement of epic proportions. (That I am married to someone who can whistle a merry tune at 5am is one of the great ironies of my life).

Usually waking up feels like being drug from the bottom of a well, through 6ft of murky cold water, and emerging blinking and unsure of the wheres, whys, and hows, of my present state of being. When MS is factored in, I also go through a checklist of aches, pains, symptoms, weakness, and dampness. A few second summary that confirms I still have this damnable disease and a weather forecast for the coming day--yup, right leg works (shake); still can breathe (inhale); arms are aching (!) and I am as exhausted as when I got in bed the night before.

These past weeks were rough ones. With each day bringing elevated pain levels, lack of sleep, and an allover heightening of my symptoms that I like to directly contributed to the summer heat. And is just as likely linked to the vagaries of life with MS. Lately, these early morning assessments only served to remind me that the 'same old, same old,' was the entree de jour.

I started on a new med on Saturday that was supposed to have two affects on me; reduce nerve pain and make me sleepy. Imagine my surprise and dismay when on both Saturday and Sunday nights I found myself itchingly, achingly awake for hours--my skin and nerves seeming to jingle with their own source of electricity. I anticipated the start of actually sleeping well and instead found myself doing a frenetic stationary imitation of the energizer bunny. This shaky, jittery feeling chased me into the day causing my skin to seem like its own life force.

As seems usual for me I apparently fall into a group of about 2% who take this med, and instead of feeling the blissful pull of sleep end up on a caffeiney, jet laggy buzz that is quite unpleasant.

So last night I skipped the new med, took a couple of Tylenol PM, and went to bed extra early. Due to two nights of sleeplessness and the resulting exhaustion I slept better that I can remember. I am not even sure if I woke up once. This is unheard of for me. I spend more than my share of hours in the lonely parts of the night.

So, to this morning-wake up and don't know the time and am surprised to discover it seems I slept all night. Next, the check list-leg works, breathing works, arms aching-but wait right there my pain level is down and I actually seem to have energy. The bed isn't a lead weight drawing me back into the oblivion of sleep. It feels like I opened the curtains to find the sun breaking over the horizon instead of the forcasted rain, sleet and snow.

I imagine this is what Heaven will be like; fall asleep with an expectation of the same old drudgery and wake up to an entirely different manuscript. I have a long running conversation with God where I see my self with cymbals and bells on my toes serving as a dancing girl at the gates of Heaven. "Take theses shackles off my feet so I can dance." Listen

I can't say that I am currently dancing the Charlston while juggling little white poodles. Or that feeling better will last for an hour, a day, or less but I do know I am going to enjoy it while this little rainbow of 'betterness' that greeted me this morning.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hey !! leave those poor little white poodles alone... no one needs their poodle juggled...greetings from Prague.MW