Warning, this one may cause emotions, best not experienced on Christmas...
Such a swirl of emotions and jumble of thoughts are spinning through my mind this morning that the Merry in Christmas seems far away. I need to try to work through it all and see if I can find some way to put a brake on my nasty temperament that doesn't involve bawling.
Yesterday I said something so thoughtlessly mean to my precious son that it takes my breath away. My brain is peppered with birdshot and I can't seem to bring order to the chaos. My irritability is some mix of grief over what I can no longer do at the holidays (wrap presents, cook, see family, have enough energy to go to the Candlelight service); irritation from lack of sleep and knee-buckling nerve pain in my right eye and left thigh; MS caused depression; and a yearning for life without this illness. And, to be truly honest, the wicked echoes of a childhood trauma that is linked to this particular holiday.
Living with me right now is like knowing that there is broken glass embedded in the carpet that won't vacuum up and just when you think it is finally cleaned up, you cut your foot. I've always been the happy, outgoing, friendly one and right now, I would give just about anything to find that girl again.
My first inclination is to think my irritability is over having to release my internal list of how things should be done, or more accurately would be happily, and busily done by me, if only, if only. Very few people in my life judge me by what I can't do. And, I am just about to the point of not caring what these few do and say. Almost.
The bigger mystery is how to let go of my desire for a certain life that is no longer mine. I know intellectually that what I have is plentiful and enough. I also know that I am not spending this holiday living on the streets or in a nursing home. So much is right here all around me and yet, the tears and longing stay overwhelming.
And, the guilt of writing such a depressing posting on the morning of Christmas eve. I have to remind myself that you all; my family, friends who make up the majority of readers for this blog afford me endless support and empathy. I will do my best to have a good cry and then focus on my 'haves,' while finding room for the ghosts of Christmases past.