Friday, February 26, 2010

True Confessions

I will give you
treasures of darkness
hidden wealth of secret places,
         So that you may know that it is I,
         The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name. Isaiah 45:3

I saw this verse at the end of a book I was reading this morning and ever since I have tried to grasp what treasure and wealth could possibly be mined from dark and secret places. As mentioned previously, depression is the giant ogre I am currently battling. 
Sister Theresa, who remains the embodiment for living ones beliefs, was recently revealed to have felt cut off from God for much of her life. And yet, she lived a life of faith and compassion; changing the life of countless people.
For me, who certainly isn't expecting sainthood at any point in the future, a byproduct of the one-dimensional, grey-scale world that is depression is this tooth-achey feeling that I am separated from God. That I cannot quite work up the energy to break through the fog that seems to flow between me, God, and the world. These song lyrics (by Jack's Mannequin) "I Called on Jesus, but He didn't check His phone today..." daringly put into words a feeling I haven't heard many Christians express.
This is depression, I know. It is an elephant sitting on my head, cotton wool clogging up my brain, and Marley's chains insidiously holding me down. 
Maybe the treasure of darkness is surviving it. The self knowledge that I have conquered another day. I saw the darkness and dang nabbit it didn't get me this time. And, if I am fortunate, the wealth from secret places will come from being open with my depression. Maybe someone else can relate to and even be helped by my experience.
Another aspect is not allowing my feelings to dictate how I live my life. If I did that, who knows where I would be. Probably stranded and out of gas in an old rusted out beater, all alone in the middle of Death Valley. Instead, I remain committed to tomorrow, to praise and prayer, to family and friends. The real treasures of my life.

1 comment:

Ted J said...

Blessings on you through your pain and depression